Tag Archives: sex

Who Do You Want To Be? A #MondayBlogs Post.

I’d spent the weekend hibernating which means I’m playing catch up today.

I had this lovely blog post typed up with so many words to say in relationships, don’t look to others to fix you. Don’t look to others to complete you. Don’t look to others to improve you.

Or to put everything in a positive light:

Fix your broken parts first. Take care of your heart, mind, body instead of putting the responsibility on someone else. Unless…they happen to have letters after their name like MD, Ph.D and you’re not dating them. In that case, let them fix you because it’s their job.

Be an entire person for yourself. “You complete me,” is a lovely quote but in real life? No one should be another person’s missing half. Stronger Together is always better than Need Each Other To Survive. Another unless…unless you’re in a frozen wasteland like my backyard in the above photo and have only the two of you to rely on for survival. Then yes. No rules.

Self-improvement is best done by yourself. Not someone else’s self. My final unless? Unless you’re paying fees to a trainer, nutritionist, life coach, or doing another sort of expertise swap, your significant other isn’t your guru. In a perfect world, each person is improving and sharing the improvement instead of dragging each other along.

Bottom line? We aren’t puzzle pieces but whole human beings. Situations and people knock chunks out of our well-being and it’s up to each one of us to Spackle our own wounds. When you’re looking for a new relationship or trying to keep a marriage strong, go in as a complete person.

Thoughts or questions? Comment below!

Betrayal and #MondayBlogs

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My husband is going to see the above title and think, “Finally! She’s talking about her books!” Which is somewhat true. Yes, I have a book named Betrayal in my Nova Scotia Murder Mystery series. It’s awesome, and it has two short stories in the beginning. You should download a sample from the vendor of your choice.

But no, this is a post about betrayal in a relationship. I’ve been on both sides, the one doing and the one receiving. I’ve also been the other woman in a relationship. Let me tell you what I’ve learned.

If or when your significant other cheats on you, it’s not entirely about you and your defects. While the event feels so very personal, it isn’t. There are a billion reasons a person will stray. Things like they don’t feel special, their physical or emotional needs aren’t being met, or even the ever-popular they cheat because they can. Name the most beautiful, attractive, (no, they’re not the same) and wonderful person you know, and I’ll bet someone has cheated on them. We mate for life but aren’t always monogamous animals.
If you cheat on your partner, for shame. Really. Did you at least try to get what you needed from them first? Made the concerted effort to not stray? I know I’m being Judgy McJudgerson, but a person really needs to have done everything to avoid stepping out. If you’ve not communicated with your partner about what’s lacking, you’re the problem and cheating is not the cure. On the other hand, if you’ve talked yourself to death and they’re not paying attention to your PowerPoint charts, it may be time to move on or at least get counseling on how to communicate more effectively.
So. You’re the homewrecker who can’t resist the cheater. Not cool and you know it. I’ll assume you’ve heard the if they cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you. The missing piece in your guilty partner isn’t you. It hurts, I know. You want to be better than what they have at home and their solution. Sorry. You’re not, and no one is. This isn’t the first time they’ve betrayed their spouse or significant other, nor will it be the last. I know you want to think what you have is unique, a love to transcend all time and space. Thing is, you’re not the one washing their dirty underwear, cleaning up the mess when their kids get sick before reaching the bathroom, or any other of a hundred things a committed person does that another wouldn’t.

All this is kind of rough and sad isn’t it? Sometimes, love is ugly and the wrong needs to be dealt with as much as the good is enjoyed. If I were a professional counselor, I could list definitive things to do. Everyone is different, and I’m unwilling to order people around. Instead, I have a self-care list for each person in the triangle or quadrangle.

They cheated on you. Again, it’s not about you and if it is, no. It isn’t. Whatever excuse they gave is bogus unless you have this need for humiliation. Even then, their betrayal says far more about them than you. Take care of yourself by doing kind things you put off for later. Fill in your own blanks for “I didn’t _____ because they needed _____.” And go out to change “I didn’t into “I did.”
You cheated on them. For shame. Does your partner know? If yes, you’re going to be reminded until your transgression doesn’t matter to your partner anymore. You will endure this like you should or just get out of the relationship you don’t deserve. Your partner doesn’t know yet? Good. You will take the affair to your grave because your guilty conscious doesn’t deserve to be cleared by hurting another person. You’re in the wrong, and we both know it. My suggestion is to treat your partner like you wanted to be treated by your fling, special, loved, unique. If they return your love, great! If not, the relationship has problems which need a professional’s help more than a romance blogger’s.
I can’t even with the other person and yes, I was one. My ex had slept with escorts, so I had a deep need to know what the other women had that I didn’t. Turns out, nothing. We live in a world where beauties like Elizabeth Hurley, Jackie Kennedy, and Deepika Padukone have been cheated on. Some people are drawn to the seamy side of love. A fact I know you’re ignoring is you deserve your own undiluted lover. You deserve to be the one and only for someone who’s not a sneak. Care for yourself enough to demand your place as a partner’s #1.

I’ll admit, this was a hard post to write! How to be helpful to everyone without being preachy or sanctimonious? Ug! It’s not a disclaimer to suggest professional help if my post isn’t enough. I want to improve the romance and love lives of people and have no problem admitting my influence can only go so far. Everyone and every situation is different. Please do what’s best for you and your loved ones.

Next week? Curing the commitmentphobe! I’m writing a short romance about a guy with commitment issues. Of course, he’s met his soul mate. I’m having a blast torturing him with a woman he can’t resist.

Love, Sex, and #MondayBlogs

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Programming note: FAQ answers have been pushed to next Monday because of VALENTINE’S DAY!!!! OMG!!!

Yes, I am very married and very happily. Thus, I don’t hate the V-Day.

I do remember what it was like to be single and sans romance back then. It sucked until the 15th, aka Cheap Chocolate Day. Then the 16th was horrific because of Migraine Because I Ate Chocolate Day.

By now, my husband and I both know what, when, and how we want our romance. We also talk to death everything and anything. This isn’t as bad as it sounds because even early on in our marriage, no one was ever surprised by a problem. If one of us cleaned out the house and were gone in a U-haul, the other would know exactly why. Something we agreed on before we married was to make communication a priority. Be kind, always, but don’t hold back if something’s going wrong.

So our plans? Earlier, we picked up the dinner for two at Hyvee. Not the deluxe because we already have a couple of lobster tails getting freezer burned. This saves us the time, expense, and irritation over sharing a romantic dinner with several hundred other cranky couples. We’re also verbally duking it out over fresh flowers versus potted plants. He wants to give me roses or at least flowers to put in a vase. I want a couple of Boston ferns to replace the ones I accidentally killed while on a book deadline. (Ferns need water more than once a month, oddly enough.) You and I know who’ll win this argument. Me.

So the bottom line for your own happy Valentine’s Day? Talk about it! Tell your crush they’re not half bad or remind your significant other of why you fell for them in the first place. You’re alone and enjoying the solitude, so nothing applies? Cool! Treat yourself, a family member, and/or a pet. Plan the route to stores you’re going to hit as soon as they open for the discounted candy. Go buy the floral rejects for yourself and enjoy. Or the best ever, take yourself out to dinner on the 15th and enjoy the quiet.

Next Monday, the faqs for reals. Before then, there’s so much going on for me professionally, and I’ll have to write all about it later this week.

Alone vs Lonely: A #mondayblogs post

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Alone is pretty easy to define. You’re by yourself, a party of one, and the time where a team does have an I in it.

Lonely? Not so easy after all. Where alone is a state of being and a tangible, lonely is so much more ethereal. Everyone has heard of being lonely in a crowd and has probably experienced the feeling at least once in their life. Very few have never been the new kid in a classroom, even if they have to wait until college.

But now, Valentine’s Day is looming. All that red and pink reminds some of us how lonely being in a partnership can be. Surprisingly, I never felt one second of loneliness in the time during my husband’s deployment to Kuwait. How did we manage to stay in touch and still feel the love? Communication.

Chitchat during a war is different now that it was as recently as a couple of decades ago. In 2003, we had international phone calls once a week and email all the time. Skype and other video conferencing were new, and mail was okay but slow. I did happen to send him care packages of things he mentioned missing. With the once a day check-ins and weekly chats, we probably talked more than most busy couples have a chance to under the same roof.

How to combat this? In knitting (one of my fave hobbies), there’s a saying of “Take time to save time.” We’re supposed to do a test knit to make sure the stitches per inch is accurate. For a marriage or any other relationship, I’d say block out your time to interact with each other. Make doing so a priority and necessary for each of you. Both people must care because nothing’s sadder in a couple than being the one hand clapping.

If you’re the one initiating and not getting a response, there are a few things to try on your own.

Kick it old school and write a letter by hand. Then rewrite in case you were angry about having to write one at all to get their attention. I know I’d have to.
Text them a kiss. Emoji or your lips in a kiss, either work.
Stop off on the way home from wherever and grab their favorite anything. No reason or occasion necessary.
A phone call can be a problem for some to give or receive. We’re lucky because I’m my own boss and my husband’s workplace isn’t a pain about phone calls. I know I always love hearing his voice instead of a robocall or telemarketer. So speed dial if you can.
Sex it up! Oddly enough, this wasn’t effective for me in the first couple of decades of my marriage, but this third decade is turning out to be very unusual. <-not a complaint! Everything I do now is a turn on when it never was during the early years. What do I mean by turn on? Well, for you, it may mean wearing the sexy clothes as a normal instead of a special occasion. Wear the boxers with lip kisses or the red teddy in the evenings. (Now that I think about it, our kid is older and not around as much. Sexy is a lot easier with just us in the house. LOL! Light bulb moment, right?)
To get around the kids might know/hear sexytimes issue, letting your significant other pick the sexy unders you wear. This makes the undressing time after the kids are asleep a lot more fun, too.
Find a similar activity you enjoy. We like long walks in the park and watching Canadian television shows, but our finding these likes didn’t happen overnight and haven’t been constant. In the beginning, we liked the Civil Air Patrol and dining out. Clearly, our tastes have changed through interest or necessity. We still have separate activities, but the ones we share are a lot of fun, too.

It’s all fun and games until someone needs CPR.

Finally, if none of these ideas brings you closer together or you’ve been there, failed that, you know what to do. Talk to a professional. My job is to write about a fictional couple’s conflict and communication problems. So far I haven’t had a character seek counseling, but you never know. A story might make it necessary someday and if you need it, take advantage of the help.

Next Monday: Answering FAQ’s because my husband needs me to do so on my new website. You won’t even notice the switch except everything is much prettier.

#MondayBlogs and I want to be alone!

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This post idea was shared with my husband this weekend, so no worries. It’s all good in Lauraland.

Now, on to the blog post. What happens when you’re somewhat happily married, but sick to death of the romance looming ahead on Valentine’s Day? You’ve tried everything, talked to your partner until you’re blue in the face and can’t feel the infatuation. You love the spouse, like them most of the time, but a night out or a romantic anything? Bleh and no.

What to do?

This starfish is enjoying the peace and quiet because he’s sick of his wife’s shit.

Nothing together, that’s what. I know, I know. I’m supposed to say something about working together, getting a counselor, upping this or increasing that. Which is great if you’re newlyweds or newly anything but if you’re in your fifteenth year as a couple and are feeling more done than a charcoaled steak? You both need a relationship vacation from each other. Not that this is an excuse to play around or get into serious trouble. The goal of a relationship vacation is to remember what being alone feels like. Note: Alone is different from lonely, and I’m going into fixing that problem in the next post.

Right now, I’m recommending giving you two enough space, so you’re able to see the other’s great qualities. The relationship vacation can last anywhere from a few hours to a few days. The duration depends on your own personal needs. Some couples are refreshed in a short while, and others might need months to remember why they enjoyed their partnership.

What’s the best way to take a break? There are a lot of fun ideas, depending on your time and finances. A class in something you’d wanted to learn, a weekend out of town visiting museums, or a week visiting family and friends are all good options. A solo road trip in a luxury vehicle, a week in Tuscany, or a weekend spa treatment would be terrific on the upper financial end, and I vote yes for any of them.

Something else to notice? If you happen to have the urge to share all of this with a new love interest, find a good couples counselor. Wanting a new partner is a symptom of a deeper problem any blog post can fix. There’s a deep unmet need to deal with that requires professional help, or at least more expert than I am.

If you have any other ideas of what do to on a relationship vacation, comment below! I’d love to hear them. My husband and I spend so much time together, we do have to plan time apart just to take a small break. How about you? Is too much time together a problem, or would you like my take on a different issue? Again, comment below and thanks for reading this far.

Next Monday: How memory lapses and procrastination can hinder Frequently Asked Questions being answered as well as alone versus lonely. I don’t even want to go into it right now.

#MondayBlogs and New Year’s Romantic Resolutions

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In my last blog post, I alluded to the lump in the easy chair you married years ago. With all the Valentine’s Day products in the store, expectations ratchet up to a dizzying height until the hard fall on the day of when nothing happens.

What to do? Is there anything that CAN be done without the help of pharmaceuticals or a cattle prod?

Yes! Lots of things. Here’s a handy list. Not every item will work for every couple, but there are lots of fun things to try. Some will require planning and others can be last minute.

Recreate your first date, especially if it was a good one. If the time was horrible, but your love survived anyway? Great! Recreate the first date you wished you two had had back then.
Flowers are popular and rightly so. But cut bouquets on THE day? Eh, expensive and I’d suggest something with a twist. Planting flowers instead of buying floral arrangements. In some parts of the world, the idea of gardening now is a bad idea. However, planning a flower garden together, visiting a local greenhouse or store’s gardening section, and working together on your flowers in the future is a fun way to bring a couple together.
I personally love going out for dinner on V-Day evening. But the crowds! OMG, no. Not romantic at all. So how do you cope? Cooking together at home! Now, my husband brought home a fondue fountain, but you don’t need to be that fancy. It’s wonderful to fill it with chocolate and dip frozen strawberries. You can bake heart shaped cakes, pink cupcakes, anything you both enjoy eating.
This is a little on the naughty side, but still lots of fun. Mainly because I get embarrassed and crack dumb jokes the entire time, but visit an adult store. No, it’s not something for everyone. If you’d like something a little spicy or way out there sexy, why not give it a try? I secretly want every pair of stripper shoes, but no. I have my limits.
All of the prior suggestions assume you don’t have children or have a sitter in case you do. Thinking you can get someone to watch the kids for the weekend, you two can plan a simple honeymoon weekend. In one of my books, I had the hero do just that. The VERY Best Man, if you’re interested, and it’s free at the moment. Since the hero has a friend who’s a manager at a big name hotel, he arranged some time in the place’s pool and hot tub. Why not take that idea and run with it? The hotel can be as fancy as you want, or not. Room service or pizza delivery for dinner, and a weekend alone, together.

These are just a few things you can do, and the idea is to remember why you fell for this person in the first place. No matter what you try, the primary goal is you do them together. My husband loves surprising me with a small bouquet from the grocery store and a mushy card. I like surprising him by forgetting the day entirely or even better, buying him a card and misplacing it until July. I did mention he’s the romantic one of us two, right?

Which makes this a good time for reminding everyone to make time for your relationship. Nothing says you have to spend only one day out of the year for romance. It’s not as tough as you might think to plan the occasional date night. My husband and I do this, and we don’t go all fancy most of the time. We’ll find a new walking trail to explore, get a Groupon to a new restaurant, or just order a pizza and have a Netflix binge night. The main goal is to spend an evening or two together to reconnect and remember why you started liking this person to begin with.

(I had lovely photos planned but scrapped it because part of showing your love for someone is hanging around, cleaning, until the DirectTv guy shows up to fix the broken thingy so your someone can watch the game on the biggest tv in the house.)

Merry Christmas and happy #MondayBlogs!

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There’s going to be so much in this post! Grab something to drink and get comfy because this’ll be fun.

First off, happy holidays! No more Christmas music! Yay!

Whaddya mean you’re glad it’s over?

I know. I’m one of those people who dread the music every year. I do try to like it, but nope. I’ll let others enjoy the tunes. Even better than the lack of Jingle Bells sung a million different ways? Free trash pick up! That may be for only our city, but it’s wonderful and I love it. Trash men are magicians, no kidding.

My writing is my life, but my publishing is my business and I have goals for 2018. Readers will be happy to know I’m expanding a beloved series and adding more to a currently in progress series. If I stick to plan, I’ll have at least eight novels and three short stories drop in the next year. They’re all plotted and waiting for me to write them. Along with all the writing, I’ll be creating another spin off series and maybe launching it late in 2018. Everything depends on God not laughing as I plan.

Meanwhile, 2018 will find me upping the romance in my life and hopefully in your life, too. I’ll be researching and posting practical action items we all can take to help add love and romance to our day. I don’t intend for my posts being all for married people. I want to help singles find their best match possible or how to enjoy being on their own.

I hope you either join or continue on this vastly fun journey with me in 2018. Click subscribe or follow me on the various social media outlets I play on right now.

My Husband Wears The Romantic Pants in This House.

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You’d think the resident romance writer would be the one remembering anniversaries, wouldn’t you?

Nope!

Every year since 1993, I forget the day my husband proposed to me. Every. Single. Year. So I wake up on December 10th to flowers and a mushy card about how he’s glad I said, “Yes!” He doesn’t wake up to anything but my snoring.

Maybe I need to get all of us “It’s what day???” people in a huddle and talk about ways to remember significant events. I asked my husband just now how he remembers and he said, “I just do. It was a big step in my life.” He adds he’d be traumatized if I’d said no. I can imagine since he had us fly to Magic Mountain ski resort to ask me. Best proposal ever and he’s such a romantic.

For the rest of us in the memory challenged department, I have some hints and helps.

The obvious: Put it on your calendar. Not the pretty one on your fridge, but the one where you grab all your social media birthdays. Set it up to reoccur every year and voila! You’re set.
See #1. Kidding! Mostly. I have Cortana as my assistant, thanks to Microsoft. No matter what your assistant’s name is, you can set up a reminder for the occasional dates. I’d use this feature for anniversary dinner reservations, but not for the day itself.
Make it special. Plan ahead, plan for every year to have the same fun tradition and you won’t forget the day again. I need to pick an extraordinary thing to do for my husband on our proposal anniversary beyond the usual, “Oh crap! It’s 12/10!”

Now that I have an idea of what to do next year, how about you? Do you remember special days in a way I’ve not listed? Comment below and tell us how it worked or works for you because I could use the help. ❤

Hey baby, in the mood for a quickie #MondayBlog ?

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This is the US’s Thanksgiving holiday week and National Novel Writing Month. How are those two related? One is a time for family, and the other is time for a panicked meltdown.

Okay, maybe they’re a lot more related than I thought. If you’re single and staring at the green Jell-O salad with carrot strips, wondering if your mom is right and you should settle down with someone, anyone, I have your solution.

Before you ask, no. This fix, though as powerful as, does NOT involve duct tape. Leave it at home this time. Instead, I’m giving you something to guarantee you have a significant other by Valentines Day if that’s what you want.

What do you do for this matchmaking miracle?

Write a list of what you want in a partner. Be specific. Be greedy. List every attribute that’s important to you. Does your person need to like dogs, or cats, or both? Write it down. Do they have brown eyes, blue eyes, or one of each? They’ll be a little tougher to find, sure, but list it. The list is more powerful when handwritten, but typing is fine, too.

I know you’re tempted to blow this off as all mythical hoo-ha stuff and I totally understand. Write the list and magic happens? Whatever. The science and psychology behind writing down the attributes you want in a forever or even temporary partner is real. What happens is when you come up with what you need, this action gives your brain a pattern to match.

Don’t believe me? What about when you start researching a new car? You want a red Honda and what happens? They’re everywhere now and more so than ever. Actually, no they’re not. You notice more of them now because that pattern is in your head. There’s a quick way to break that because now that’s all you see out there, and it’s not by saying, “I want to stop seeing red Hondas everywhere, dammit!” Just think of green Land Rovers or yellow Ford Mustangs. There! Fixed!

In seriousness, this list idea works for more things than silencing the, “Who are you dating now, dear?” crowd. Writing a list for anything you desire helps lock in what you want and tells your brain to start looking around for what you’ve listed. It’s pretty awesome and powerful as well.

Comment below if you’ve used this technique and it’s worked. Follow this blog if you want more romantic #MondayBlog posts in the future.

“Why did I marry you?” A #MondayBlogs romance post.

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Who doesn’t have days where you look at your spouse or long-term love and wonder, “What the hell was I thinking? This person is a ________.”

Yep, me too and this post will help in the, “Where did you say the carotid artery is, again?” area. I have experience in this “relationship lasting so long” thing and I have some ideas.

Note: if there is real abuse going on, Google local family couseling. Seriously, because I can work the romance but not fix emotional or physical pain. That’s for the professionals.

But if you’ve forgotten why you fell for this person, you’re in the right place because I have a few things to try. Grab your partner and we’ll get started. These can be done in any order over any time span.

Tell each other how you met and/or about your first date. One person first, then the other and no interrupting. Experts say how a person recounts meeting their spouse tells a lot about how long the marriage will last.
Each person picks something they don’t care to do but the other person loves. Then do it. I’m assuming the task isn’t harmful or degrading, unless you’re into that sort of thing. For me, my husband wears men’s cologne because he’s “meh,” about it while I love whatever he wears. For him, I’d probably sign a book and address the envelope for my Goodreads winner for him to mail. I am postally impaired and he enjoys when I get things ready for him. Doing something small in your mind can mean love to someone else.
Another together activity is giving reassurance. This is for the “Sure I love you. I married you, right?” types. If you use words already, switch it up and use actions. My husband shows me love with flowers and kisses goodbye. I tell him love with the words and pointing out what he does well. So, we switch it up by me doing something nice and him telling me how terrific I look. I know, he’s delusional but I love him anyway, lol!
Date nights. If you’re not already having them, why not? Dates are fun and dating your spouse is awesome. You don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing because you probably already have by now. You know about their weird aversion to food touched each other on a plate. (That may just be us with that one.) You both know you’re probably going get lucky later that night. See? Date nights are awesome. Be warned, buffets and sex don’t mix. Helpful hint: Skip the second trip to the dessert bar. Some things should not be done on a full stomach.
Start a healthy or productive habit together. My husband and I have two healthy habits, sort of. Walking in the park every evening is gone for now, thanks to daylight savings time and winter. The habit is there, so I know we’ll spend time on the treadmills or weights from now until spring. The second habit is the going on the Parade of Homes every spring and fall. Our city’s realtors band together and host open homes. There are listing of addresses, builders, prices, and subdivisions. We pick our favorite and go see them in person. The higher priced homes give both of us motivation to stay on our business goals. The main thing is find something you both love or want, and make it a habit.

Try one or all of these and tell me what you think. If you have any other getting to know you again ideas, comment below. To keep up on the weekly romance ideas, follow me here. ❤