Tag Archives: conversation

Alone vs Lonely: A #mondayblogs post

Alone is pretty easy to define. You’re by yourself, a party of one, and the time where a team does have an I in it.

Lonely? Not so easy after all. Where alone is a state of being and a tangible, lonely is so much more ethereal. Everyone has heard of being lonely in a crowd and has probably experienced the feeling at least once in their life. Very few have never been the new kid in a classroom, even if they have to wait until college.

But now, Valentine’s Day is looming. All that red and pink reminds some of us how lonely being in a partnership can be. Surprisingly, I never felt one second of loneliness in the time during my husband’s deployment to Kuwait. How did we manage to stay in touch and still feel the love? Communication.

Chitchat during a war is different now that it was as recently as a couple of decades ago. In 2003, we had international phone calls once a week and email all the time. Skype and other video conferencing were new, and mail was okay but slow. I did happen to send him care packages of things he mentioned missing. With the once a day check-ins and weekly chats, we probably talked more than most busy couples have a chance to under the same roof.

How to combat this? In knitting (one of my fave hobbies), there’s a saying of “Take time to save time.” We’re supposed to do a test knit to make sure the stitches per inch is accurate. For a marriage or any other relationship, I’d say block out your time to interact with each other. Make doing so a priority and necessary for each of you. Both people must care because nothing’s sadder in a couple than being the one hand clapping.

If you’re the one initiating and not getting a response, there are a few things to try on your own.

Kick it old school and write a letter by hand. Then rewrite in case you were angry about having to write one at all to get their attention. I know I’d have to.
Text them a kiss. Emoji or your lips in a kiss, either work.
Stop off on the way home from wherever and grab their favorite anything. No reason or occasion necessary.
A phone call can be a problem for some to give or receive. We’re lucky because I’m my own boss and my husband’s workplace isn’t a pain about phone calls. I know I always love hearing his voice instead of a robocall or telemarketer. So speed dial if you can.
Sex it up! Oddly enough, this wasn’t effective for me in the first couple of decades of my marriage, but this third decade is turning out to be very unusual. <-not a complaint! Everything I do now is a turn on when it never was during the early years. What do I mean by turn on? Well, for you, it may mean wearing the sexy clothes as a normal instead of a special occasion. Wear the boxers with lip kisses or the red teddy in the evenings. (Now that I think about it, our kid is older and not around as much. Sexy is a lot easier with just us in the house. LOL! Light bulb moment, right?)
To get around the kids might know/hear sexytimes issue, letting your significant other pick the sexy unders you wear. This makes the undressing time after the kids are asleep a lot more fun, too.
Find a similar activity you enjoy. We like long walks in the park and watching Canadian television shows, but our finding these likes didn’t happen overnight and haven’t been constant. In the beginning, we liked the Civil Air Patrol and dining out. Clearly, our tastes have changed through interest or necessity. We still have separate activities, but the ones we share are a lot of fun, too.

It’s all fun and games until someone needs CPR.

Finally, if none of these ideas brings you closer together or you’ve been there, failed that, you know what to do. Talk to a professional. My job is to write about a fictional couple’s conflict and communication problems. So far I haven’t had a character seek counseling, but you never know. A story might make it necessary someday and if you need it, take advantage of the help.

Next Monday: Answering FAQ’s because my husband needs me to do so on my new website. You won’t even notice the switch except everything is much prettier.

#MondayBlogs and I want to be alone!

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This post idea was shared with my husband this weekend, so no worries. It’s all good in Lauraland.

Now, on to the blog post. What happens when you’re somewhat happily married, but sick to death of the romance looming ahead on Valentine’s Day? You’ve tried everything, talked to your partner until you’re blue in the face and can’t feel the infatuation. You love the spouse, like them most of the time, but a night out or a romantic anything? Bleh and no.

What to do?

This starfish is enjoying the peace and quiet because he’s sick of his wife’s shit.

Nothing together, that’s what. I know, I know. I’m supposed to say something about working together, getting a counselor, upping this or increasing that. Which is great if you’re newlyweds or newly anything but if you’re in your fifteenth year as a couple and are feeling more done than a charcoaled steak? You both need a relationship vacation from each other. Not that this is an excuse to play around or get into serious trouble. The goal of a relationship vacation is to remember what being alone feels like. Note: Alone is different from lonely, and I’m going into fixing that problem in the next post.

Right now, I’m recommending giving you two enough space, so you’re able to see the other’s great qualities. The relationship vacation can last anywhere from a few hours to a few days. The duration depends on your own personal needs. Some couples are refreshed in a short while, and others might need months to remember why they enjoyed their partnership.

What’s the best way to take a break? There are a lot of fun ideas, depending on your time and finances. A class in something you’d wanted to learn, a weekend out of town visiting museums, or a week visiting family and friends are all good options. A solo road trip in a luxury vehicle, a week in Tuscany, or a weekend spa treatment would be terrific on the upper financial end, and I vote yes for any of them.

Something else to notice? If you happen to have the urge to share all of this with a new love interest, find a good couples counselor. Wanting a new partner is a symptom of a deeper problem any blog post can fix. There’s a deep unmet need to deal with that requires professional help, or at least more expert than I am.

If you have any other ideas of what do to on a relationship vacation, comment below! I’d love to hear them. My husband and I spend so much time together, we do have to plan time apart just to take a small break. How about you? Is too much time together a problem, or would you like my take on a different issue? Again, comment below and thanks for reading this far.

Next Monday: How memory lapses and procrastination can hinder Frequently Asked Questions being answered as well as alone versus lonely. I don’t even want to go into it right now.

A #MondayBlogs About Smug Marrieds.

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Single people and the theory of relativity. How are they related?

Very simple. There’s a reason the saying “The grass is always greener on the other side,” exists. Earlier in the week, I’d read something about married people being condescending toward singles. As if being married is the ultimate goal in life and you’re not a real person unless hitched to someone else. Add in the recent political remarks about some countries being much better than others, or some people weighing less or more than others, and the Theory of Relativity covers everything. No matter where you are, how low or how high, someone either wants to be where you are or would do anything to keep from being in the same place.

In my point of view, I think there’s a lot of jealous people out there trying to upsell being chained to one person. Seriously. No marriage is 100% wine and roses, and if someone says theirs is? They’re lying, delusional, giving in to their spouse, or all of the above. Married people see a single person and remember back when everything in life wasn’t a committee decision. They could eat what they wanted or not at all. Sleep the hours they prefer or not, and not be hassled about it. When you start counting everything else needing a “discussion” with a partner? You know what I mean.

With this ring, I chain thee to me forever. Get me a beer.

Meanwhile, singles are looking at marrieds, envying the whole partner setup. As a married, it IS nice having a best friend and business partner. There is a shared income, shared responsibilities, and a “In case of emergency” contact. I could add in the terrific sex part, but my husband would become flustered and turn nine shades of red. Let me leave it at he’s adorable and admirable.

Like everything in life, both sides have their pros and cons. I think the main thing anyone should do is embrace where they are right now. Things always can and do change, often when you don’t want them to.

Side note: All this assumes you are satisfied with your current situation. If there’s abuse, depression, or serious issues, get help and don’t delay. Life is short, and there’s no reason to tolerate the intolerable.

Next Monday: Answering Frequently Asked Questions.

#MondayBlogs and New Year’s Romantic Resolutions

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In my last blog post, I alluded to the lump in the easy chair you married years ago. With all the Valentine’s Day products in the store, expectations ratchet up to a dizzying height until the hard fall on the day of when nothing happens.

What to do? Is there anything that CAN be done without the help of pharmaceuticals or a cattle prod?

Yes! Lots of things. Here’s a handy list. Not every item will work for every couple, but there are lots of fun things to try. Some will require planning and others can be last minute.

Recreate your first date, especially if it was a good one. If the time was horrible, but your love survived anyway? Great! Recreate the first date you wished you two had had back then.
Flowers are popular and rightly so. But cut bouquets on THE day? Eh, expensive and I’d suggest something with a twist. Planting flowers instead of buying floral arrangements. In some parts of the world, the idea of gardening now is a bad idea. However, planning a flower garden together, visiting a local greenhouse or store’s gardening section, and working together on your flowers in the future is a fun way to bring a couple together.
I personally love going out for dinner on V-Day evening. But the crowds! OMG, no. Not romantic at all. So how do you cope? Cooking together at home! Now, my husband brought home a fondue fountain, but you don’t need to be that fancy. It’s wonderful to fill it with chocolate and dip frozen strawberries. You can bake heart shaped cakes, pink cupcakes, anything you both enjoy eating.
This is a little on the naughty side, but still lots of fun. Mainly because I get embarrassed and crack dumb jokes the entire time, but visit an adult store. No, it’s not something for everyone. If you’d like something a little spicy or way out there sexy, why not give it a try? I secretly want every pair of stripper shoes, but no. I have my limits.
All of the prior suggestions assume you don’t have children or have a sitter in case you do. Thinking you can get someone to watch the kids for the weekend, you two can plan a simple honeymoon weekend. In one of my books, I had the hero do just that. The VERY Best Man, if you’re interested, and it’s free at the moment. Since the hero has a friend who’s a manager at a big name hotel, he arranged some time in the place’s pool and hot tub. Why not take that idea and run with it? The hotel can be as fancy as you want, or not. Room service or pizza delivery for dinner, and a weekend alone, together.

These are just a few things you can do, and the idea is to remember why you fell for this person in the first place. No matter what you try, the primary goal is you do them together. My husband loves surprising me with a small bouquet from the grocery store and a mushy card. I like surprising him by forgetting the day entirely or even better, buying him a card and misplacing it until July. I did mention he’s the romantic one of us two, right?

Which makes this a good time for reminding everyone to make time for your relationship. Nothing says you have to spend only one day out of the year for romance. It’s not as tough as you might think to plan the occasional date night. My husband and I do this, and we don’t go all fancy most of the time. We’ll find a new walking trail to explore, get a Groupon to a new restaurant, or just order a pizza and have a Netflix binge night. The main goal is to spend an evening or two together to reconnect and remember why you started liking this person to begin with.

(I had lovely photos planned but scrapped it because part of showing your love for someone is hanging around, cleaning, until the DirectTv guy shows up to fix the broken thingy so your someone can watch the game on the biggest tv in the house.)

Valentine’s Day in December? #MondayBlogs

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Oh. My. God. This year is already on greased skids. We went to the grocery store the day after Christmas, and some proactive goobers had the Valentine’s Day merchandise on shelves. Seriously?

Happy New Year!

By the time this posts, I’ll be up five pounds and face down recovering from New Year’s wine. There’s so much pressure out there to make every second count, to share every moment with a special someone. Even worse? Society expects people to create this perfection on as little sleep and food as possible.

I happen to know a couple of people who can accomplish the feat of a sparkling life. The talent is natural to them. For all of us with tarnished lives, keep reading, and I’ll share some ideas for coping with the romantic pressure.

The crafter side of me understands the need to be on top of the next holiday. Nothing is more fun than knitting Christmas gifts on Boxing Day. I’m working on a gift for someone’s 2016 Christmas. I know, I know. As close to being done as I am, he’ll get his gift Christmas 2018 for sure.

The side who had spent a bunch of Valentine’s alone still feels that “No,” feeling when the aisles start filling with red hearts, roses, and sappy everything. It’s hitting all the lonely buttons when the whole world seems to be full of happy couples, and you’re a sad single. If you’re not glum and want a significant other for February 14th, I’ve written the solution already. Click here.

My solution for when you want to spend the holiday alone but not lonely? Don’t, because you don’t have to. Everyone has a single friend. Have a Valentine’s celebration with your best unattached pals. If I weren’t married, I’d call up my knit group friends first. They’re all fantastic people, Happy New Year and each one makes everything much more fun. Dinner, clubbing, going on a yarn store crawl, whatever you all enjoy will work.

What if, like one of my V Days (because ‘my’ and VD don’t go together, sorry), you’re in a new town with zero single friends? Be your own date. Do something fun and esoteric just for you. Every married person knows that nine times out of ten, you’re compromising with your spouse over where to go, what to eat, what you watch on tv or movies. Enjoy your singlehood by being as wild or mild as you’d like for the day.

Bottom line? Plan now to eat all of the chocolates and toss the yucky ones without guilt. Drink all the bottle of wine whether it’s sparkling juice or the hard stuff. Watch the sappy or action-packed movie you enjoy. Go to a fancy place for dinner and dress up for the occasion. Treat yourself like the great person you are.

Next week? What to do when you’re stuck with the anti-romantic spouse on Valentine’s Day and how it’s probably too late to ask for a refund on them.

Merry Christmas and happy #MondayBlogs!

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There’s going to be so much in this post! Grab something to drink and get comfy because this’ll be fun.

First off, happy holidays! No more Christmas music! Yay!

Whaddya mean you’re glad it’s over?

I know. I’m one of those people who dread the music every year. I do try to like it, but nope. I’ll let others enjoy the tunes. Even better than the lack of Jingle Bells sung a million different ways? Free trash pick up! That may be for only our city, but it’s wonderful and I love it. Trash men are magicians, no kidding.

My writing is my life, but my publishing is my business and I have goals for 2018. Readers will be happy to know I’m expanding a beloved series and adding more to a currently in progress series. If I stick to plan, I’ll have at least eight novels and three short stories drop in the next year. They’re all plotted and waiting for me to write them. Along with all the writing, I’ll be creating another spin off series and maybe launching it late in 2018. Everything depends on God not laughing as I plan.

Meanwhile, 2018 will find me upping the romance in my life and hopefully in your life, too. I’ll be researching and posting practical action items we all can take to help add love and romance to our day. I don’t intend for my posts being all for married people. I want to help singles find their best match possible or how to enjoy being on their own.

I hope you either join or continue on this vastly fun journey with me in 2018. Click subscribe or follow me on the various social media outlets I play on right now.

Make Time for Love

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It’s Christmas! No matter if it’s the most wonderful time of the year or a colossal bah humbug to you, I know everyone’s busy with gifts, parties, and end of the year activities. Laura Stapleton In all the craziness, my husband and I made time to reconnect and remind ourselves of what’s truly important.

Our Decembers tend to be like everyone else’s, rushed and focused on others instead of each other. So how do we cope? There are several ideas and here are just a few:

Go on a date night! Ideally, couples should already be doing this. Even if it’s wandering around looking at Christmas lights or going for a twilight stroll in the park, anytime can be a date night with the right attitude.
No time for even a dinner out? Shop together! My husband and I do all the time. It’s a great way to make sure we get milk AND butter. Two brains are better than one when it comes to remembering to pick up cat food. Plus, he buys snacks, and I buy produce, providing balance in our pantry and fridge.
You have to sleep sometime. Even if you’re too tired to tango, go to bed together for quality pillow talk. Set aside the devices for better sleep unless you’re like my guy and me. We go to my Twitter feed, getting angry or laughing together at what people post online. A mutual foot massage would be terrific, too. Bath and Body Works has some wonderful anti-biotic lotions available. I went on a shopping spree several years ago and still have some stocked up.

These are my favorite things to stay connected with my guy. How about you? What are ways you keep the bond going with your significant other during this time of the year?

“Why did I marry you?” A #MondayBlogs romance post.

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Who doesn’t have days where you look at your spouse or long-term love and wonder, “What the hell was I thinking? This person is a ________.”

Yep, me too and this post will help in the, “Where did you say the carotid artery is, again?” area. I have experience in this “relationship lasting so long” thing and I have some ideas.

Note: if there is real abuse going on, Google local family couseling. Seriously, because I can work the romance but not fix emotional or physical pain. That’s for the professionals.

But if you’ve forgotten why you fell for this person, you’re in the right place because I have a few things to try. Grab your partner and we’ll get started. These can be done in any order over any time span.

Tell each other how you met and/or about your first date. One person first, then the other and no interrupting. Experts say how a person recounts meeting their spouse tells a lot about how long the marriage will last.
Each person picks something they don’t care to do but the other person loves. Then do it. I’m assuming the task isn’t harmful or degrading, unless you’re into that sort of thing. For me, my husband wears men’s cologne because he’s “meh,” about it while I love whatever he wears. For him, I’d probably sign a book and address the envelope for my Goodreads winner for him to mail. I am postally impaired and he enjoys when I get things ready for him. Doing something small in your mind can mean love to someone else.
Another together activity is giving reassurance. This is for the “Sure I love you. I married you, right?” types. If you use words already, switch it up and use actions. My husband shows me love with flowers and kisses goodbye. I tell him love with the words and pointing out what he does well. So, we switch it up by me doing something nice and him telling me how terrific I look. I know, he’s delusional but I love him anyway, lol!
Date nights. If you’re not already having them, why not? Dates are fun and dating your spouse is awesome. You don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing because you probably already have by now. You know about their weird aversion to food touched each other on a plate. (That may just be us with that one.) You both know you’re probably going get lucky later that night. See? Date nights are awesome. Be warned, buffets and sex don’t mix. Helpful hint: Skip the second trip to the dessert bar. Some things should not be done on a full stomach.
Start a healthy or productive habit together. My husband and I have two healthy habits, sort of. Walking in the park every evening is gone for now, thanks to daylight savings time and winter. The habit is there, so I know we’ll spend time on the treadmills or weights from now until spring. The second habit is the going on the Parade of Homes every spring and fall. Our city’s realtors band together and host open homes. There are listing of addresses, builders, prices, and subdivisions. We pick our favorite and go see them in person. The higher priced homes give both of us motivation to stay on our business goals. The main thing is find something you both love or want, and make it a habit.

Try one or all of these and tell me what you think. If you have any other getting to know you again ideas, comment below. To keep up on the weekly romance ideas, follow me here. ❤

Romance after 50? Is it possible? Here is what I know for sure. #MondayBlogs

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Once upon a time, I was a teenager who read copious amounts of romance novels. Ah, love. Full of longing, conflict, and the inevitable happy ending. Every new relationship was a rosebud waiting to bloom.

Um, no.

Even with the optimistic point of view, seeing my parents manage their real-life marriage kept me grounded. A truly successful commitment took work and compromise and I knew nothing was perfect. In fact, my father often said if two people never argued, someone was giving in. I vowed to never knuckle under to some knuckle head.

Fast forward to my fifties and all of the lessons I learned about love? I can see why older men go for younger women. Someone in her twenties is far more malleable than a woman in her fifties or even forties. My personal example?

While married to my first husband, I was twenty-one when he said he wanted a vasectomy because he didn’t want children. If I wanted to have a baby, he continued, I’d have to have one with someone else. His proclamation to my until-death-do-us-part mindset was as if a doctor said I was sterile. I was heartbroken.

If my husband said such a thing now? He wouldn’t, because he’s a far better human being than my ex ever will be, but if he did? My older and wiser self would say, “Challenge accepted and I have candidates picked out.”

There are several more examples of a boyfriend giving me orders while I scrambled to be a better person for him. Ah, youth. So how does a woman who’s outgrown the wide eyed optimism about relationships make her own life more romantic? My answer was to marry a romantic man, but I know that can’t work for everyone.

Going forward in this new #MondayBlogs series of mine, I’m digging deep and exploring how to bring out the love and romance in life for everyone. A life of love, fulfilling relationships, and happiness is possible for people willing to reach for more.

How to Fire an Employee in 5 Easy Steps.

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Firing someone isn’t as easy as some reality shows might depict. Sure, it’s fun to think about being a strong executive able to dismiss someone on a whim.

In reality? Your showing someone the door has real world consequences that those with empathy know all too well. I’m assuming your employee has a problem OTHER than a terminally ill relative, or they were the one with a terminal illness, a serious loss in the family be it a person, pet, or home, or a severe injury meeting all of the above criteria. I would add, as a former military spouse (he retired from the Army Reserves and is great, thanks!) that losing a loved one to deployment could affect your staff member’s work ethic as well.

All of the above may not be legally protected by Labor Laws, and that doesn’t really matter until step four. I’ll assume you don’t want to be a Worst Boss of the Year by firing your employee after their father dies of cancer on the same day as their dog was run over on their way back from saying goodbye to their deploying spouse.

How does someone let a problematic employee leave for “greener pastures?” Here you go.

If empathy and caring about your employees are problems for you, don’t worry. There is a real and legal reason for NOT skipping step one’s empathy and emotional quagmire. Start a paper trail now, because if the person really is a liability to the company, a paper trail will keep you from being sued for unemployment. You’ll want to sit the problem person down and have a talk with them about what’s going right and what’s going wrong. Emphasis on the wrong. Have a checklist, a signable checklist, for how the awry behavior will change in the immediate future. They sign, you give them an atta girl or atta boy, and the behavior is corrected, profits rise, and we’re all happy.
But, if nothing changes? You will yet again sit them down in a private area and ask what was unclear about the first meeting, in a kind and direct way. They explain or excuse, you listen and reintroduce the checklist as a reminder.
And then that didn’t work. Fine. Bring them in again, again ask what was unclear and is it clear now that they’re on a probation of sorts? They’ll probably mumble yes, promise to change, you shake hands and voila! Problem solved.
When nothing has worked so far? You gave the person three chances/warnings and documented what was said and promised. I would say you bring them in and give them two weeks. Except, I was in Information Technology for most of my cube farm life and forewarned gives an angry employee a chance to set up retaliation. Instead, follow your company’s procedures for termination. If you are your own CEO of a large enough company for Human Resources, why are you reading this? You’re too busy, and it’s why you have an HR. If you’re like me, the CEO of a tiny empire, the legality of terminating is a problem. Especially when it comes to being sued. Review the termination for cause for your state because no two states are the same. Set up your legal defense and reasons for showing your employee the door.
The firing itself. By this time, what kind of person your employee is won’t matter. They’re a detriment to the company and must go. Which is fine. Some people are round pegs trying to fit into a square hole and need to be pushed to find a new place. Others are problem children with no desire to grow as a person. Either way, you’ve tried to warn them in steps one through three, done the legal homework in step four, and now have to meet with them privately. If necessary, have your boss or HR rep sit in. Again, if you’re the head of your company, have a plan for your safety when terminating a hot headed employee.

I’ll admit, I’m a small business owner and firing someone would mean they all but begged to be fired. My empathy is off the charts. For this post, I’ve kept in mind that larger business owners might not know everyone and even if they do, they don’t care what happens when a person is pink slipped. Everyone is different, and that’s fine.

Even if you don’t care about your terminated people, you’ve spent time and money training them. There are anti-discrimination laws. Hiring new replacements hits you again in the time and money department. No one wants to waste their resources or be sued. Follow the first three steps, set up by following the fourth, and help your company’s growth and profits by following through on the fifth step.